Negotiating terms of engagement

[Dad49]

While I’ve read through the HB site for several years, this late summer and fall marks my first serious search to find a houseboy to live with me. I've had mixed results but no successful engagement of a houseboy. First off, I pass by profile with a lot of “ask me,” “maybe,” and “it depends” responses. I figure they are either window shopping, or will answer my question the way they perceive I would view favorably. Then I have a pretty good eye for fakes. The Ghana and Nigeria operators often give clues in their language usage.  Nonetheless, I did lose several hundred dollars to one guy, in a gamble I knew was risky. But in dealing with young men who I perceive to be legitimate candidates I spend a lot of time going back and forth sharing information. First off, I want to be sure the understand me and my situation and needs. I want to discover what they really can an will do (sex is a very low priority in my search, housework, high.). Moreover I don’t wan to coerce a man to come here until he is certain he wants to come. I consciously avoid being pushy or rushing a commitment. I’ve corresponded with a couple of young men who dealt with me extensively but ended up choosing other employers. In both cases they sensed my slowed-down pace, non-pushy attitude as reluctance on my part. In both cases, I think they accepted placements far less desirable than what I offered (my opinion) I’d welcome feedback on the experience of others who have successfully engaged suitable houseboys, and even from those who have had little or no success. 

[dapalmer58]

Very well put.  As I am at the beginning stage of my first search, I am very intested in the resonses you get.

[DJHJD]

It is my opinion, and interpretation of my own experiences, that many or most of the young men offering their services on here are primarily looking for one of three things - free housing, free money, or "being spoiled." They are universally, none of them, ready to actually perform services that would make their presence in one's home worthwhile. I have negotiated with four house boy candidates thus far who have showed up for a trial run; none were successful. I have negotiated with another five, each of whom I had a similar experience in sending them money to travel here, airline tickets, etc., and they each of them took the money and "ran" in an internet ghosting sense. All five maintain active profiles on this site. 

There are some who are very appealing, but reject my interest because I don't meet their particular BDSM or role play needs.

I believe that one of the first questions that must be answered by a prospective houseboy must be what their current housing situation is. Many of these lads are homeless, or about to be. If a prospective houseboy will not clearly answer this question, one should move on to other candidates regardless of how pretty his pictures are.

 

[Dad49]

DJHJD,

     One of my most recent experiences affirmed your last comment. I had a guy that was positive he could do what I needed after reading my rather lengthy and detailed description. I then asked him to write me a short page about his experience, his current living arrangements and why he was ready to move to northeastern Illinois just as we are moving into winter. A week later, the crickets are still chirping. Nothing in response.  He is still on the site, having posted a better profile photo. What’s wrong with a short note, “I changed my mind”?

[DJHJD]

The best we can do is filter for scammer commonalities, ask specific questions, insist on answers, and send no money at all.

[Buck52]

  I personally have started requesting a “verified photo” be sent before any kind of serious discussion and or questioning begins in order to at the very least discover if they are real, regardless if they are using a bogus name or not. And when I say real I mean what they really look like. As many profiles are faceless. My questioning, after a verified photo is sent, goes directly to asking about their current life’s situation. Including their current living arrangement, if they are tied down to a lease or not? Are they currently a student, working and if so doing what/where or both? Do they have dependable transportation? Any pets that they would want to bring? Then questions on their experiences as far as tasks and duties that I require they do if I take them on. And importantly how do they feel about doing said tasks? Lastly I stress very much so how important it is for us both to build trust in each other, without which there can be no arrangement. Trust takes time to build through totally honest and open communication with each other. And that must include video chatting. If they come up with some excuse that they cannot video chat sometime soon or give reasonable answers to my very reasonable questions then I don’t waste anymore time with them. They either are here just to fantasize, to lie in order to get money sent to them or professional con artists trying to gain as much personal info so as to use it for nefarious purposes. In summary, it takes time and effort once the two parties find some kind of mutual interest and wish to pursue the possibility of coming to a mutually beneficial arrangement. Good luck everyone. 

[happy04]

Aren't houseboys supposed to be taken care of or am I wrong 

[Buck52]

  Of course they should be taken care of. Now if you mean total financial support that depends on the individual’s wants and needs. As well as the employer’s willingness of course. I often run across boys interested only in room and board with no interest in work outside the home. Others wanting to work outside the home either part or full time. Then of course those seeking a salary along with room, board, etc. just all depends on the houseboy’s wants or needs. Personally I offer room, board and salary as well as potential to travel with me. So in summary, it all depends on the wants and needs of the houseboy as well as to what the prospective employer is willing to offer. Hope that helps. Good luck everyone. 

[Dad49]

Taken care of?  Well, my sense is that everyone has a slightly different vision of the Houseboy-Employer relationship. I see it as a mutual needs situation. An employer needs or wants someone to come into his home to add something that is missing. It might be sex, affection, companionship or household management services. Often it’s a combination of some or all of the foregoing. A houseboy needs some of the same things, but often is in need a stability, a safe home and an opportunity to improve his position in life. There needs to be a serious process to match what each needs and wants with what the he can and wants to share with the other. It’s impossible to say which one is taking care of the other. In a good match, ideally, there are shared goals and each is mindful of what the other expects. I’m not sure I’ll find the houseboy I have in mind. I believe that what I have to offer would be a great deal for a hardworking honest and loyal young man. The small handful of potential houseboys I have found to meet my needs didn’t see enough in it for themselves to take the chance. 

[happy04]

Well said 

[Buck52]

Meeting or even exceeding each other’s personal wants, needs and desires, as best one can,  I believe should be the true goal in a houseboy/employer relationship. That of course would typically include “taking care of” the houseboy as he would/should be taking care of his employer, however that is mutually agreed upon. Simply meeting each other’s wants and needs is my personal goal with a houseboy. 

[Dad49]

Sometimes, I think we look at the sexual side of an arrangement to the point that we neglect the practical aspects. Many of the potential houseboys that i have looked at seriously have indicated that they need health benefits. That is very wise, but can be costly. I cannot afford to self-insure myself, nor could I bear full responsibility for the healthcare of a young man. The kinds of insurance available on The Exchange via the ACA -those with low premiums- would, in the event of a major illness, require more deductible and co-pay dollars that a houseboy could probably afford. One solution I’ve suggested meets with mixed reaction from those I’ve reached out to: the houseboy would secure part-time employment with an employer that offers group health insurance.  Then, if the employee share of that insurance was onerous to the houseboy, I could help with that cost.  In that way, at least I’d be paying for insurance that actually offers accessible benefits   But many houseboy candidates balk at the idea of holding other employment, even if I adjust my requirements at home.  Part of this is related to the young man’s sense of invincibility, they can’t see needing it.  Others see outside employment as outside of their expected role.  Of course owners of businesses that carry employee health plans might find ways to include o houseboy in that plan. But most of us don’t find ourselves in such a position.

 

An aside on another topic, I agree with Buck52 who dislikes the term, “houseboy.”  I think it can be somewhat demeaning to the gentleman upon which I would so depend.   This week, I’m going to try on the title, “Valet-companion.”  Any thoughts?

 

[Buck52]

I’ve included both valet and companion along with housekeeper in a multiple name group instead of using houseboy. 

[happy04]

On 12/13/2019 at 10:11 AM, Dad49 said:

Sometimes, I think we look at the sexual side of an arrangement to the point that we neglect the practical aspects. Many of the potential houseboys that i have looked at seriously have indicated that they need health benefits. That is very wise, but can be costly. I cannot afford to self-insure myself, nor could I bear full responsibility for the healthcare of a young man. The kinds of insurance available on The Exchange via the ACA -those with low premiums- would, in the event of a major illness, require more deductible and co-pay dollars that a houseboy could probably afford. One solution I’ve suggested meets with mixed reaction from those I’ve reached out to: the houseboy would secure part-time employment with an employer that offers group health insurance.  Then, if the employee share of that insurance was onerous to the houseboy, I could help with that cost.  In that way, at least I’d be paying for insurance that actually offers accessible benefits   But many houseboy candidates balk at the idea of holding other employment, even if I adjust my requirements at home.  Part of this is related to the young man’s sense of invincibility, they can’t see needing it.  Others see outside employment as outside of their expected role.  Of course owners of businesses that carry employee health plans might find ways to include o houseboy in that plan. But most of us don’t find ourselves in such a position.

 

An aside on another topic, I agree with Buck52 who dislikes the term, “houseboy.”  I think it can be somewhat demeaning to the gentleman upon which I would so depend.   This week, I’m going to try on the title, “Valet-companion.”  Any thoughts?

 

Valet is a better choice since its basically their role